Ok then, strap in and get your corneas around this lot of rumours featuring the likes of Ander Herrera, Ismaila Sarr, Adrien Rabiot...and even Terence Kongolo. Phwoar.
Ander Herrera PSG Move in Doubt Amid Atleti Interest
Remember when Ander Herrera was definitely signing for Paris Saint-Germain? Well, now it seems like he's more of a maybe.
La Decisión (hey maybe there's a documentary in this?) is in Ander's handers.
Could he do a Juan Mata and perform a handbrake U-ey and still stay at United? Probs not, nah. He already did a goodbye message with a subtle dig at Steven Gerrard, remember?
Man Utd Try to Sweeten Maguire Deal With Pereira Bait
Sticking with United (cos 90% of the news in this transfer window is about them, let's face facts), Ed Woodward has a genius solution for getting Harry Maguire to Old Trafford without paying silly money.
According to The Sun, United are willing to throw one mint-condition, barely used Andreas Pereira (ahem, on loan) into the bargain to lower Hazza Maguazza's £90m price tag.
Exactly how much they expect that tempting little morsel to lower the price, The Sun don't speculate but they do note that Brendan Rodgers loves a bit of Pereira having tried to bring him to Celtic back in the day.
United haven't had much luck with centre-back pursuits of late having been quoted £75m for West Ham's Issa Diop and been used as a pawn by real-life Cersei Lannister, Mino Raiola, in the never-ending saga for Matthijs de Ligt.
If Maguire doesn't come off, expect a £150m deadline day bid to bring back Jonny Evans.
Aston Villa Move for Terence Kongolo and James Justin
But what's happening at Aston Villa you cry? Well, I'm glad you asked.
As reward for their heroics earning promotion back to the Premier League, Villa are ready to ditch several of the stars that got them there and fork out for expensive upgrades. Cheers lads.
The Mail say Villa want 25-year-old centre back Terence Kongolo from Huddersfield while the Star tout £10m-rated James Justin from Luton, to join newbies Kortney Hause, Jota, Anwar El Ghazi and Wesley Moraes who've already made permanent moves.
Napoli Star Rejects Wolves in Favour of Roma
Staying in the Midlands, Sky Sport Italia says that Napoli midfielder Amadou Diawara has 'rejected' a move to Wolves and is instead waiting for Roma to call.
I mean, I can't say I blame him.
While that's rubbish news for Nuno and co. it's intriguing for Napoli, who also happen to want Roma's Kostas Manolas and could try to use Diawara as bait.
However, word on the street is that Roma want any suitors for Manolas (another of the 50 or so defenders linked to Man Utd in the past year) to pay his full buyout clause of €36m.
€36m? You couldn't get Maguire's forehead for that.
Southampton Close in on £14m Adams Deal
Dropping down to the south coast (after a brief sojourn to Naples), Southampton look to be about to sign a new striker... and one who actually scores goals!
The Telegraph claim that the Saints are 'expected' to pay £14m to complete a deal for Birmingham frontman Che Adams, having already seen at least two bids rejected.
22-year-old Adams scored 22 times in 43 starts in the Championship in 2018/19 - the kind of numbers that make Shane Long shed a tear. Burnley and Everton have also been linked but Southampton's haste appears to have won them the day.
Adams will be the second signing completed under Ralph 'don't call me rabbit hutch' Hasenhuttl after the £14m deal for Moussa Djenepo from Standard Liege.
Watford See Bid Rejected for Newcastle Target Ismaila Sarr
In other forward-related news, both Watford and Newcastle are slugging it out for Rennes star Ismaila Sarr.
The former have already seen a €30m bid knocked back, while the latter are contemplating upping the ante, according to L'Equipe.
21-year-old Sarr is in Egypt with Senegal for the Africa Cup of Nations, after an impressive season in Ligue 1.
Whether Newcastle actually submit a bid north of £27m surely depends on whether:
a) This takeover actually happens
a) This takeover actually happens
b) Mike Ashley is visited by the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future.
Pochettino 'Phones' Lo Celso Amid Spurs Transfer Interest
After two windows of transfer-window abstinence, Spurs are ready to spaff the cash once again, but only within reason and depending on sales, of course.
Real Betis star Giovani Lo Celso is one the big targets for Tottenham this summer, with a number of reports already outlining their interest in the Argentine player, who (remarkably) has never knowingly been labelled the 'new Messi'.
Lo Celso has an £89m release clause but rumour has it the Andalusians might entertain bids of substantially south of that. Man Utd (shock) have also been linked, but a report from El Confidencial claims that Mauricio Pochettino has been on the phone to his countryman to explain his interest.
The caveat is that they can't pay big (not over £35m) unless say, I dunno, a certain Danish midfielder is sold for big bucks.
Newcastle Eye Up Venezuelan Star at Copa America
According to Sky Sports, Newcastle are looking at Venezuela star (no, not Salomon Rondon, sorry) Jefferson Savarino, who plays his football out in the States for Real Salt Lake.
The playmaker is apparently available for just £6m ('that's more like it', cries Ashley somewhere), with scouts set to watch him against Brazil in the Copa America on Wednesday.
Newcastle, who have a thing for South American MLS stars, are joined by West Ham in their interest in the 22-year-old winger.
Savarino has scored 13 times in 57 appearances in two-and-a-bit seasons in Major League Soccer.
Kovacic Has Heart Set on Inter Return
Mateo Kovacic won't be at Chelsea next season after a bit of a dud of a year for the Europa League winners in 2018/19.
He is unlikely to stick around with parent club Real Madrid either and has his heart set on a move back to former employers Inter, according to Corriere Dello Sport (via CalcioMercato).
The claim is that even if Nicolo Barella arrives at San Siro, Inter will still be able to afford Kovacic, while the Croatian midfielder is willing to go out on loan initially to secure his dream return to the club he represented between 2013 and 2015.
Adrien Rabiot Closes in on Big-Money Juventus Deal
And finally, it wouldn't be a gossip roundup without a 'bomba' from El Chringuito...What you saying Josep Pedrerol and the lads?
You're saying that magnificently maned PSG super sulker Adrien Rabiot is going to Juventus with a €10m signing-on bonus and wages of €7m a year on a five-year deal? Lovely, that'll do nicely.